“Every day there are people who feel like as if life itself has left them at the doorstep or thrown them away”- Susan Anderson, American Author.

Emotional abandonment is a grief or trauma universal to all humans. It is the reason that we break down emotionally after a breakup, family feud, divorce, or the death of a loved one. It is a primary fear of being isolated and alone while struggling emotionally.

When we hear the word abandonment, we envision a child left alone seeking a warm embrace or being left out in the cold by yourself. Kibby McMahon, PhD, a clinical psychologist and co-host of the Podcast, ‘A Little Help For Our Friends,’ describes emotional abandonment as “the part of life when other people are not meeting your emotional needs.” It is why most people feel upset, unloved, and alone, even inside a relationship or surrounded by others. Today, we will walk you through the five stages of emotional abandonment, also known as S.W.I.R.L. This article will discuss the five stages in detail and help you determine if any stage currently applies to you.

What Is Emotional Abandonment?

In simple terms, emotional abandonment is a subtle and traumatic experience that is difficult to spot as it has nothing to do with physical proximity or physical scars. Instead, your loved one might be physically present but remain emotionally unavailable to you. Let me ask you this: Can you remember a time when someone withheld their love, warmth, or affection from you? What about an experience when someone who used to care for you begins using alcohol or substances or miraculously gets too busy to spend time with you and leaves you feeling alone and isolated? Sound familiar? Since every person is unique, there are different stages of emotional abandonment with which you must be familiar so you know how to spot in others, but more importantly, you can learn how to identify it in yourself. Before we move into it, let’s see why people become emotionally unavailable and ultimately abandon ship.

What Causes Emotional Abandonment?

Various things can lead to emotional abandonment because every person has a different tolerance level. It can mostly be seen at the time when someone you love most begins to subtly withdraw their empathy, compassion, affection, and communication until they have completely exited emotionally. Think about situations such as after a divorce or during family feuds when the person you care about the most is not present emotionally or shuts down all communication and responses to you. 

In other cases, people might be unable to meet their emotional needs because they are busy with work or other more pressing responsibilities. According to psychotherapist Joyce Marter, multiple internal factors cause emotional abandonment, which depends on individual unique traits, tendencies, and past experiences. Based on a recent study on Human Psychology, experts found that a person who has experienced emotional abandonment might be:

• Uncomfortable in emotional situations
• Have deeply rooted fears of weak or failed relationships
• Connecting their current experience to a similar experience of the past
• Not equipped with emotional support
• Have a high attachment to people
• Suffers from personality disorder

Conversation is one of the best ways to check for emotional abandonment in any relationship. If you are ready to talk with your loved one about them not meeting your emotional needs, understanding their past traumas and emotional baggage may help you from getting offended and keep you calm.

Understanding S.W.I.R.L: 5 Universal Stages of Abandonment

S.W.I.R.L. stands for Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting. Each of the first words of this acronym describes the cyclonic nature of the intensity of the emotional abandonment. Let’s discuss each one in detail:

Shattering

Shattering represents the feeling of loss and hurt. You can relate Shattering to an experience when you have thoughts like, “I have never been heard,” “I will always be alone,” “I will never find love,” etc. Your past experience triggers a stab-like feeling in your heart that gives you the feeling of it “shattering,” which is why this is the first stage of emotional abandonment. It can be due to the death of a loved one or after being informed of a personal loss, a disappointing experience, or even a breakup.

Withdrawal

The second stage of emotional abandonment is Withdrawal. Withdrawal is the situation when you are yearning, craving the relationship, role, or person that is no longer there for you. It is often related to the withdrawal of the love and energy that came along with the person in your life who no longer exists or leaves you. Be careful not to confuse this stage with your psychological attachment to toxic energy or an unhealthy person or situation. That’s a much deeper issue. We’ll cover that in a separate article. 

Internalizing

You can understand internalizing as the process of holding on to the rejection of another and using it as proof that you are not necessary or good enough. During this stage of emotional abandonment, you turn your anger into fear and blame yourself for losing someone. During internalizing, you might also notice old insecurities bubble up due to past losses or experiences. It’s important to remember that the choice someone else makes to abandon you emotionally does not indicate your worth. In most cases, they are doing you a favor, and you haven’t realized it yet. 

Rage

Rage is intense anger about the injustice of the situation or circumstance you are currently in. During this stage, you feel agitated, desperate, and restless about returning to the right life track. This anger is misplaced and makes you constantly think that something isn’t right in your life or you need to get even. 

Lifting

The last stage of emotional abandonment is Lifting. Lifting is when you begin to feel relief from pain and grief. Over time, you get distracted from the abandonment and start feeling confident. In this stage, the weight of the negative feelings and experiences feels slightly less heavy, and you begin returning to normal life. Alas, you can finally see the sun again. 

Join Our Emotional Intelligence Training Course & Workshop

It is common to feel emotionally disconnected when you have gone through the various stages of S.W.I.R.L. However, we can help you convert the negative feelings that come from emotional abandonment into fuel that can push you out of your comfort zone and onto an enlightening healing journey. The emotional intelligence training offered by Vibe Tribe University is open to teenagers, young adults, and experienced professionals. 

In this training, you will learn how to control your emotions, effectively work through inner conflicts, and understand and manage your emotions to build stronger relationships and make better decisions. Our course covers ways to heal from narcissistic abuse, embrace the power of forgiveness, and set emotional boundaries. Our team of professionals will provide you with interactive training and one-on-one sessions to assist in your healing journey. Are you ready to become emotionally intelligent? Enroll in our emotional intelligence training course and workshop today.